"YOU LIVE IN TURKEY NOW!" My role as a woman...

Turkish Nights.  Notice the men on the floor.

As mentioned before, Alan and I have been blessed with very kind, generous, and fun coworkers here in Turkey.  For the past six weeks we have been doing a rotating weekly dinner at different people's houses.  These dinners started out as 'Turkish Lessons" (and sometimes belly dancing lessons), but as we have gotten to know each other better they have melted into a gathering of friends to eat, drink, and hang out.  We all try to bring some sort of offering to the host who has undoubtedly cooked an array of DE-lish Turkish specialties, and this week we brought chocolate chip cookies.  Now those of you who really know us know that Alan is the baker and I am the dishwasher, and these cookies were no different.  Little did we know how much of a stir this would cause.

We stopped by to pick up a lovely/hilarious friend, (one who scooped Alan under his wing as soon as we landed in Turkey, teaching him how to say "my man!" and do other manly Turkish things). He greeted me in his usual gentlemanly way, and then was so excited to see that "You baked!" Not one to take credit for someone else's work I corrected him, "Oh no.  Alan baked." The look of shock on his face was priceless.  He turned to Alan, "You BAKE?" "Well yeah.  I love baking," (and PS he's a kindergarten teacher in a school that has NEVER had a man working in that department.  And he plays the ukulele.  And he waltzed me all over the floor at the ball. He's not your average belching-spitting-crude-joke-telling-man's-man. Why is this such a surprise?)  Well the real kicker came when Kamil asked what I was doing while he was baking, and I said I was napping. "WHAT?!?! You're in Turkey now! The woman bakes and the man naps! Come ON!" Well, knowing Kamil to say whatever comes to his mind, usually in an effort to get a rise out of everybody, we laughed and reminded him that we are still Americans.

Turkish MEN

Later, at dinner I was retelling this story to all of the other Turks in the room, because it was hilarious, and I was expecting them all to think so to.  Now, Turkey is conservative. One of our DE-lightful girlfriends told us that she wont ever be able to get married because she doesn't know how to cook and do laundry, so no man would ever want her; another of our friends who is 23 wont tell her parents about the boy friend she has been dating for like 4 years because they wouldn't understand; and all of our unmarried friends still live with their parents because that's what you do when you live in Turkey. That being said, I was expecting a hearty laugh from the group of 12 young, open-minded, liberal Turks in the room.  While I did get some smiles and some chuckles, many took this moment to explain to us that in Turkey, much like in a few generations back in America, the men work, and the women do all of the household chores.  "Right, but I work too! All of the women in this room work. That has changed.  Shouldn't the household expectations change too?" They all nodded along with a smile, "Yes, yes, you both work, you are both tired, you should both work together to cook and clean." All the while Kamil is still spouting off about "no, not 50/50, 100% of the house work is the woman's!" And then, even though all of the other people in the room were "agreeing" with me, when the food was served all of the women (except me) hopped up to make all of the men (except Alan) a plate of dinner, and then sat down near their man's feet, like a good Turkish woman should.  UGH. So, because we're American and because we were enjoying messing with their traditions, Alan jumped up to make me a plate, which sent all of their heads spinning again.

Turkish ladies

Sometimes it is easy to forget that our cultures are so different.  We hang out with mostly young, liberal, and well educated people, who look and act much like our American friends.  We notice differences in language, and in food, but for the most part our attitudes and beliefs align closely with each other. This dinner and ensuing debate was an interesting reminder that our cultures are still very different in many ways.  The more traditional and conservative Turkish families still have very strict rules for what is a woman's role versus what is a man's role, as well as what is appropriate for a woman to be seen in, and who she should be seen with (Circa 1800's America?). But even some of the younger more liberal Turks act out the social rules that they verbally disagree with (1950's America?). I guess this is a good reminder of how slow change can be sometimes.  I mean this is a culture that has been around for 4000 years.  Some of their social rules probably run that deep, why would it surprise me that they would take a few decades or even centuries to change?

On a related note: Kamil would like me to set him up with one of my American friends.  When I told him that none of my American girlfriends would be interested in dating a man who thinks she should cook and clean for him, he told me it wouldn't be a problem. I'm not sure what he has up his sleeve, but I am interested in watching this unfold.  So if you're coming to visit me sometime, and think it might be fun to watch this guy "work his magic on you," stay tuned for our upcoming series tHarmoney (where the T stands for Turkey). We also have a few lovely Turkish girlfriends looking for an American guy who doesn't need her to cook and clean for him.  This should be fun.